Assertiveness
We have all heard people say, “You need to be more assertive!” But what exactly is assertiveness? Assertiveness is a communication style. It is being able to express your feelings, thoughts, beliefs and opinions in an open manner that doesn’t violate the rights of others. Other communication styles you may have heard of include being aggressive, which is a style that violates the rights of others and being passive where we violate our own rights. You have probably also heard of passive-aggressive. This is where someone is essentially being aggressive but in a passive or indirect way. For example, someone may be angry, but they don’t act in an overtly aggressive way by yelling or hitting, instead they may sulk or slam a door. There are many myths about assertiveness. Some people use these as support for why they shouldn’t try and be more assertive. It is worth having a look at these in more detail. Myth 1: “Assertiveness is basically the same as being aggressive”. Debunking the myth: Some people who are aggressive think they are being assertive because they are stating what their needs are. It is true that both assertive and aggressive communication involves stating your needs, however, there are very important differences between stating your needs assertively and stating them aggressively. There are differences in the words used, the tone taken and the body language used. Aggressive: Violates rights of others. Own needs have priority. Assertive: Respects both own needs and needs of others. Passive: Violates own rights. Others needs given priority. Myth 2: “If I am assertive I will get what I want”. Debunking the myth: Being assertive does not mean that you always get what you want. In fact being assertive is not a guarantee of any outcome at all. Being assertive is about expressing yourself in a way that respects both your needs and the needs of others. Sometimes this means you get what you want, sometimes you won’t get what you want at all and sometimes you will come to a mutually satisfactory compromise. Myth 3: “If I am assertive I have to be assertive in every situation” Debunking the myth: Understanding how to be assertive provides you with the choice of when to be assertive. It does not mean you have to be assertive in every situation. You may come to the realisation in certain situations that being assertive is not the most helpful way to behave. For example, if you are in a bar and someone begins to be very aggressive or violent, then being assertive may place you at risk as the other person is not being rational. In this case you may make the decision that a passive approach is the most beneficial. Learning to be assertive is about providing yourself with a choice! The Effects of Being Unassertive The main effect of not being assertive is that it can lead to low self-esteem. If we communicate in a passive manner we are not saying what we really feel or think. This means we can end up agreeing with and fulfilling other people’s needs or wants rather than our own. This can result in a lack of purpose and a feeling of not being in control of our own lives. Assertiveness is a wonderful skill to acquire and to use with satisfaction in daily situations. It is a manner of conveying your thoughts in an adaptive way inviting the other party to respond in like manner. If executed correctly, appropriate assertiveness discounts or completely does away with the perceived need for unhealthy criticism, contemptuousness, denial, and stonewalling in our communication styles. We are immediately more effective as human beings. Seeing a clinical psychologist can help provide you with tools and techniques to improve your assertiveness. If you are feeling suicidal or in need of help please contact Lifeline’s 24-hour crisis support service on 13 11 14. If you would like to see a psychologist, give me a call 0400 809 050 to make an appointment. We are committed to help you. |
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